Ride to Hell Literally
by DatTarkatan
Summary: Jake Conway has just witnessed a portal opening to hell. He decides to travel to hell to save the town and try to rescue his deceased brother's soul.
1. Chapter 1

Jake Conway stood in the graveyard, starring at his brother's grave. He remembered the good times they shared together and how all of the Devil's Hand gang has been wiped out because of his death.

Jake's mourning was interrupted by the sound of chanting in the distance. Jake looked back and checked it out. He hid behind a gravestone and looked at a group of Satanist trying to open a portal to hell. They stood hand in hand, surrounding a pentagram. All of them wore black cloaks, and repeated the same chant.

"Nice of you to join us ." said one of the satanist.

"How did you know I was here." Jake asked, getting out from behind the gravestone.

"I can sense evil, and you are by far one of the evilest I have ever seen."

"What are you talking about, I'm not evil."

"You kill the innocent, you use women, and you are completely unstable. You will fit in well with the rest of Satan's minions."

As the satanist said those words a tiny explosion went off where the pentagram was. All of the satanist were now dead and the pentagram was replaced with a portal to hell.

The explosion knocked Jake back a couple feet, but he was fine except for a few scrapes. Jake walked toward the portal and looked into it. The portal emitted a horrible odor, and inside there were demons flying around pushing damned souls into fire and causing overall suffering.

Jake stepped back from the portal and ran to his motorcycle, he had to warn the town of what happened here. Then, he knew he would have to find a way to close the portal. He had to go to hell.


	2. Chapter 2

"This isn't your fight Jake." Mack said trying to prevent Jake from traveling to hell.

"What do you mean it's not my fight!? It's everyone's fight!" Jake screamed.

"Jake, one man can't stop the devil."

"I stopped the Devil's Hand by myself."

"That was different."

"I won't be alone anyways, Mikey and Dad will be there. I can bring them back."

"Fine...if you want to be an idiot and go into some portal to hell that probably doesn't even exist, go ahead." Mack said, sitting down and lighting a cigarette.

Jake grabbed as many guns as he could hold and got on his bike. He drove back to the graveyard with a lot of things on his mind. How the hell would he be able to do this? How did he expect to bring Mikey and his dad back to life? Was he really evil? He thought about that until he showed up at the portal.

It reeked of burning flesh and some kind of sulfur smell. It gave off and intense amount of heat, so Jake would have to hurry if he didn't want his flesh to melt off his bones. He cocked his shot gun and jumped into the portal.


	3. Chapter 3

Here he was, the fiery pits of hell. There were pits of fire and lava where dammed souls would be pushed into on a daily basis. Stalactites and stalagmites covered the roof and the ground.

"Well look who finally died." a familiar voice said from the background.

"Anvil." Jake said under his breath as he slowly turned around.

The large Devil's Hand member approached and spoke, "I've been waiting for the day all those STDs would send you here."

"It's too bad I'm not dead Anvil. A portal to hell opened up and I'm here to get back the brother you took from me." Jake said.

"You mean there is a portal out of here and nobody told us?" Anvil said, as he pushed Jake down and ran to the portal.

Jake grabbed his shot gun and blew Anvil's head clean off. Seconds later all of the chunks from Anvil's head went back to Anvil's body and re-formed his old head.

"You idiot." Anvil said, now completely healed. "Here in Hell are power is greater than anything you could imagine."

Jake cursed under his breath, then other members of The Devil's Hand grabbed him, and prevented him from moving.

"It's time you join us." Anvil said, pulling out a machete. He approached Jake and swung the machete back, ready to slice his head off.

Then almost out of nowhere a rock was thrown above them and caused a stalactite to fall on Anvil. The other gang members were distracted by that and Jake took advantage of the situation and broke free. He grabbed his gun and blew them all away. Jake looked around to see who threw the rock that saved him, and he saw another familiar face.

"Mikey."


	4. Chapter 4

"We don't have much time." Mikey said, signalling Jake to follow him.

"Mikey! I can't believe it's you!" Jake said, excited about seeing him.

"I know, but we really have to hurry before the devil is prepared to go to Earth." Mikey said running to a cave.

"Man, hell has really changed you." Jake said, following Mikey to the cave.

"Down this cave is the Devil's lair. As of right now he is the only one beside Anvil and us that knows about the portal."

"So we find him, kick his ass and everything will be fine."

"That's right."

"So why didn't he come out right when the portal opened."

"He has a lot of preparation to do before he can leave Hell. I know it's hell, but there are rules here too."

After Mikey spoke, Jake noticed an incubus abusing who he thought was Marilyn Monroe. Jake walked toward the couple and grabbed the abusive incubus and choke-slammed him into a stalagmite. The stalagmite pierced the demon's skin and went right through him, he was going to be stuck there for a while. Marilyn blushed and gave Jake a kiss.

"Mikey, you go to the Devil's Lair. I'll catch up with you." Jake said as he and Marilyn Monroe proceeded to...well you can guess what they are going to do.


	5. Chapter 5

Mikey walked forward, and read a sign that had the words "Devil's lair" written on it. Those two words meant more to him than anything. He knew walking into that place would be his only chance to get out of here. Even though he could here his brother dry humping a dead woman, he refused to lose focus on the task at hand.

"You sure you're up for this?" Jake asked, as he zipped up his pants.

"I have never wanted anything more than to go back to the land of the living. It's what every demon dreams of Jake." Mikey answered.

"Then lets go!" Jake shouted as he ran into the devil's lair.

He was greeted with a right hook to the face. Given to him by a familiar face.

"King Dick?" Jake questioned, after shaking off the hit.

King Dick and all the other members of The Devil's Hand that were killed were there surrounding a throne on top of a high platform. On the throne was the Devil himself, with Caesar, the leader of the Devil's Hand, standing next to him.

"Caesar, I see you got your eyes fixed." Jake said.

Caesar growled but said nothing, instead it was the Devil who spoke. "Jake, you are perhaps one of the worst human beings that walked the Earth. We could use someone like you down here. You can join me and rule hell. But, if you refuse I challenge you to a race. If you win, you get your brother. If I win, I take the souls of Ellie and Mack, and they will join you and Mikey as my personal slaves for eternity."

Jake thought about it for a while, ruling hell would be nice. But, his brother's life was more important.

"I accept your race." Jake told the Devil.

With that, two motorcycles appeared out of fire. One was a badass bike with a body make to look like a rotting skeleton. The skull had two goat horn and shot fire out of the mouth. The other bike was rusty and had a flat tire.

"I wonder which one's mine." Jake said sarcastically, getting on the rusted bike.

The Devil got on his bike and the race began. It was three laps around the lair. The Devil quickly took the lead, but if he wasn't going to race fairly neither would Jake. When the devil overlapped him, Jake jumped off his bike and grabbed onto the Devil. Something that could only be described as a quick time event occurred. Jake punched the Devil repeatedly and with all his strength he ripped off one of The Devil's horn and stabbed the king of darkness in the neck. The Devil fell of his bike and Jake rode it to victory.

It wasn't an honest victory, but the demons weren't going to argue with someone who just kicked The Devil's ass. A portal opened and the Conway brothers walked back into the land of living and they lived happily ever after. Or about as happy you can live in a glitchy town where it is damn near impossible to drive.


	6. Alternate Endings

ALTERNATE ENDING 1

The Devil spoke. "Jake, you are perhaps one of the worst human beings that walked the Earth. We could use someone like you down here. You can join me and rule hell. But, if you refuse I challenge you to a race. If you win, you get your brother. If I win, I take the souls of Ellie and Mack, and they will join you and Mikey as my personal slaves for eternity."Jake thought about it for a while, ruling hell would be nice. Without giving it a second thought, Jake accepted The Devil's offer.

He was new second hand man to The Devil. He got demonic powers, a portion of Hell all to himself, and all the demon babes he can dry hump. Of course this came at a cost. He lost the respect of his younger brother who was now trapped in Hell forever. He will never see his human friends again, it was likely they would go to Hell when they die, but as a ruler he would have no time to see them. Plus he had to look at The Devi's Hand gang members all the time, but it was totally worth it to be able to dry hump all those sweet demon babes.

ALTERNATE ENDING 2

The Devil spoke. "Jake, you are perhaps one of the worst human beings that walked the Earth. We could use someone like you down here. You can join me and rule hell. But, if you refuse I challenge you to a race. If you win, you get your brother. If I win, I take the souls of Ellie and Mack, and they will join you and Mikey as my personal slaves for eternity."

Jake thought about it for a while, ruling hell would be nice. But, his brother's life was more important.

"I accept your race." Jake told the Devil.

With that, two motorcycles appeared out of fire. One was a badass bike with a body make to look like a rotting skeleton. The skull had two goat horn and shot fire out of the mouth. The other bike was rusty and had a flat tire.

"I wonder which one's mine." Jake said sarcastically, getting on the rusted bike.

The race began and The Devil quickly zoomed passed Jake. Once The Devil overlapped Jake, he kicked the biker off the poor excuse of a motorcycle and quickly won the race.

Jake had not only failed himself, but failed his family.

The Devil's Hand gang traveled to the land of the living and kidnapped Mack and Ellie. Their souls now belonged to The Devil, all thanks to Jake.

Now, the four of them were stuck doing whatever The Devil's Hand and The Devil himself wanted them to do.

ALTERNATE ENDING 3

The Devil spoke. "Jake, you are perhaps one of the worst human beings that walked the Earth. We could use someone like you down here. You can join me and rule hell. But, if you re..."

The Devil was interrupted because suddenly Gorgon the Destroyer emerged from the fourth dimension, holding a nice little lunch for The Devil and Gorgon.

Gorgon said unto the gang of bikers, "I shall eat all of your faces!"

But The Devil was like, "Hey, why don't we just eat these bananas and sandwiches we made for each other, and you know make some new friends."

"OH FUCK YES!" said Gorgon "Now we shall have meeting all of the Hell from Gorgon's happy place!"

It was odd because The Devil was really attracted to this other girl called Mothra that she saw also entering from the fourth dimension. Mothra flew across the lair of The Devil and destroyed everything.

The end


End file.
